Rob Zombie’s back with another psychobilly freakout! We barely survived the last Halloween; will this year be any better? It’s the only horror movie you’ll see in this lifetime involving a killer cow, Dr. Frank N. Furter, Weird Al Yankovic, and what could be the longest running chain of the word “fuck” being repeated in any movie in history.
Edit: Yes, I know it’s “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues. I’m blaming heat stroke and dizziness from the pain of the shitty movie for my mental schizm. “Whites in Night Satin” indeed. I think that’s a Klan anthem.
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Never watched The Wire, Spoony? Season 1 there was an awesome scene where Bunk and McNulty are investigating a murder scene and say nothing but the word “Fuck” for about 2 minutes straight – and it’s a brilliant scene!
You know, I would LOVE to see that in a horror movie once. The lead girl that’s in a jittery mess just suddenly snaps and slaps someone and lays the situation to them as straight as can be.
I haven’t seen it, but you seem to have a strong hate for what you call teleportation in movies. Isn’t the routine to just imagine that the characters walked to wherever from where they were and we presume some time has gone by? I don’t see why they need to be shown going from point A to B, or that we need to see the minute hand of a clock keeping acurate time and so on. If a movie goes out of its way to take care of these details, then some would complain that there is too much footage that should be edited out. Oh well, maybe I’m wrong because I haven’t seen it. The only place teleportation is REALLY bad is in Diablo2.
You’re a pretty funny guy, Spoon, and while I agree with most of what you said, I have to disagree with the ‘hallucinations’ and what not with ‘Michael’.
If you pay attention, the story builds a strong case for Laurie Strode actually being the killer, Michael being the representation of her in ‘killer mode’. This would also explain why the men rough Michael up in a cornfield, not to mention many other ‘plot holes’ you talked about.
It’s been awhile since I’ve seen it though, so I could be wrong. That said, yeah, H2 was pretty bad.
I’ve never seen the Rob Zombie Halloween series and i really have no intention to. Usually I’ll see a movie for myself and not really mind what other people say to make my own judgment of it. Granted I loved the original Halooween series, I grew up with it, and it scared me shitless, but as i got older it just became more interesting how invincible he became as they progressed. Just seeing the previews for the newer Halloween, the only thing that caught my focus was the “666″ and that kind of shit. I expected , Rob Zombie + Classic Halloween movie = FREAKING AWESOME or I’m going to make this as demonic and stupid as i know how….great review, and even thought it was August there at the time, I’m sorry for the terribly heat, you look really uncomfortable. :/ lots of humidity?
So if the word Fuck is like a seasoning, is saying 60 times like eating 60 teaspoons of basil? Hmm.
To # 168
The D September 1, 2009 at 1:04 pm
“Jump scares don’t equal a horror movie”, yet you gave “Drag Me to Hell” the most glowing review I’ve ever seen on this site. That movie is *defined* by jump scares. That’s really all there is to the whole thing (beyond the Raimiesque humorror).
So which is it?
Since Sam Raimi actually did direct Drag Me To Hell. And that was supposed to be amusing. Its like Army of Darkness. Thats kinda the same way, mostly jump scares in that yet it is praised as one of the best horror movies. In reality, Raimi’s horror movies are more like dark comedies with horror elements. On a side note, In reference to not being horrified when characters die, The Crucible is more horrific. Seriously, all the good guys die and the bad guys win. And you are pissed. And you should also be horrified at the fact that it all really did happen.
Let’s start with a little history, Halloween was a film made by John Carpenter back in the year of 1979 which I believe to be the best year for horror movies ever. Back then we Alien, The Shining, Halloween, The Changeling and a bunch of other movies that I’m not mentioning.
Halloween was pretty much the catylist for all the horror movie franchise in which serial killers were immortal Gods that could survive anything from a shotgun blast to the head down to a swift kick to the balls. Yup, John Carpenter invented that the moment he had Michael get up and walk away after he’d been stabbed in the neck with a knitting needle, poked in the eye with a coat hanger, stabbed in the chest with his own knife, shot six times in the torso and fallen from a fucking balcony to the ground below. Michael wasn’t even phased, and since then we’ve had sequels galore, some of them good, some of them bad and some of them not even featuring Michael Myers (”cough” Season of the Witch “cough”).
But since then the horror genre has simply gone down hill and now all we get are constant remakes. Not all of them are bad, in fact “The Hills Have Eyes” remake in my opinion managed to surpass the original.
Rob Zombie came along and directed the first of the “Halloween” remakes. He actually did a good job despite the lack of suspense in the “slasher” part of the movie and that rape scene that was completely unnecessary, it had a lot of cool violence, it looked great and there was lots of nudity which I commend in a horror film these days. Naturally of course the sequel was up for a remake, so Rob Zombie returned and what did we get?
This….
First of all, how did old Mike survive getting shot in the head? I know he’s Michael Myers but he got shot in “HEAD” with a 44. Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off!
I guess I’ll start off with what I liked about the movie. The best sequence in the entire film in my opinion the hospital chase sequence at the beginning which had a genuine air of dread around it (Yes it did just turn out to be a dream but bear with me). Brad Dourif was awesome as usual and so was Malcolm MacDowell (despite the fact that his character has almost no bearing on the central storyline whatsoever, but bear with me). Here are my problems however.
First of all we have Michael killing people who pretty much deserve to be killed. They had it coming, I don’t care who the fuck you are, you do not hassle a 7ft tall 200lb hobo, you are not Tony Jaa. Second why is Michael’s mother guiding him and riding a white horse? I know “White Horse” is some kind of psychological term but you did not need to take a 6ft fucking horse on to the set, apart from the fact that this was basically just an excuse to get Sherri Moon Zombie into the film. We get it Rob, your wife it hot, leave it.
Speaking of Michaels visions and Laurie’s dream sequences, WARNING: Epileptic people, stay the fuck away from this movie. You will die.
One of the bigger problems I had with this movie however was how the plot basically had not consistency whatsoever. I’ll just get past the fact that everyone seems to be able to teleport at will in this movie and get right to my favourite example.
Laurie is running away from the house after Danielle Harris is attacked (and ends up lying on the floor, bleeding and naked…. again) and ends up at a small stretch of road where she comes across a driver who says that he will take her to the hospital. Immediately I was excited, “Allright!” I thought, “This guy’s going to take her to the hospital and Michael’s going to turn up there and we’re going to have a hospital showdown, fantasy to reality and all that shit”.
So there I was, all prepped up for the ultimate showdown, girl versus killer, good versus evil, a battle to the death. Laurie would face her fears, and she would either overcome them or die in a heroic attempt to end the horror once and for all. Suspense mounting, tension rising, who will triumph?
Nope….
Michael shows up, kills the stupid fucker and takes Laurie to some random shack in the woods where the police surround them and Laurie has some spazzed out visions about her biological mother.
I’M HYPED…!
Seriously, what is this? The best part about this film was the hospital sequence, partly because it reminded me so much of the original. Which begs the question. Why didn’t Rob just try to remake the original Halloween 2? As much as I liked that film there was still a lot of room for improvement. For example, in the original all Laurie Strode did was limp around screaming. What did Rob do? Yes he gave Laurie more lines and more to do, but all she does is bitch and moan about everything. She’s like Chris O’donnel in the Joel Schumacher Batman films. Congratulations Rob, you took the most annoying thing about the original and gave it a voice. Thank you.
Seriously, I was really looking forward to seeing an update of the hospital horror of the original but instead we get whining emo chicks, teleporting killers and ghostly bitches on horses! Why?
The thing is I actually like Rob Zombie, but I think he’s way better when he’s doing a project that fully his own. Rob actually said at one point that he wouldn’t be doing Halloween 2 so I think that he was roped into it somehow, because the whole thing just comes off as a bit half arsed. It actually reminds me of John Carpenter when he was writing the original. He didn’t really didn’t want to do a sequel so he knocked out a script in a couple of weeks. But even John Carpenter’s half arsed attempt at horror was better than Rob Zombie’s.
Though hopfully Rob will have made enough money from this movie to go about doing something that “he” wants to do. Hopefully something better than this.
But say what you want about this movie, it’s still way better than “Halloween: Resurrection”, (shudder).
I tell ya, Spoony, I know *exactly* what you mean about what’s “scary” and what isn’t. I don’t get what is so appealing about jump scares and stuff. I’ve seen various “scary” games and movies, but then look at something else (usually older) that’s significantly scarier. Good review, man.
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